Mrs. Halloween

I know about a place where strange things can happen. A place where frowning and smiling simultaneously is more than common. Where monsters and angels get together to show you how life has its ways to scare you just as much as it can help you out. In such place, rains don’t ever come out without the sun, so that the colors of the rainbow can remind you that happiness is, if not right in front of you, somewhere beyond where you expected it to be. I know a place where mountains of excitement get together to make valleys of sadness. I know a place where everything is so confusing and so clear all at once. And at first, it was hard to get used to it. But now, I love that place.

As ironic as it seems, silence is the only sound I can hear now. It whispers quietly in my ears, to make sure I notice it’s presence, to make sure I notice it’s emptiness, it’s coldness and honesty. It’s as if everyone left, all the voices are gone. I look twice around me and realize I’m the one who’s leaving. I just thought I would be brave enough to do it. Capable of walking away without looking back to what and who I left. Capable of starting to give my own steps, one at a time, by myself, without any help or hand to hold me if I fall, to get up by myself when I do and to heal my own scars when they eventually show, either on the outside or in my heart. What happens is the question is invading me again, and I want the good sensations back! I want that massive confidence I had in myself, the instant happiness that invaded me constantly, day by day to remind me that great things are about to emerge in my life in a level I have never experienced before, to remind me that yes, I am capable. I want something to remind me that what I’m doing is good for me! But these things have all been killed and replaced by the fear, the same fear that invades my thoughts even when I don’t want it to, even when I beg it to stay away from me. It’s like a stubborn child who never gets tired. And when I think it’s gone, it comes back even stronger, to haunt me, and it brings a friend along: anguish. They will never leave, now, will they? They are like parasites laying hold of my brain, nourishing themselves from the good things that are inside my thoughts. I just want them to go. I need to be confident again.